"Improving your Self-Esteem"

Occasionally in life we can feel bad about ourselves.  We don’t absorb the positivity we need, and we have a habit of being too critical about whom, or what we are, and what we have done. Life experiences can contribute to this considerably of course, such as being treated poorly by someone else at some time, but often it could simply be a mood-of-the day, or possibly a hormonal change too.  Whatever the triggers for someone’s low self-esteem, they may go through a period of feeling bad about themselves unnecessarily.  Low self-esteem keeps you from getting the most out of life as you can’t enjoy it the same, and may lack motivation to do the things you once aimed for.

It can be difficult to feel good about yourself when you are stressed-out, unwell or infirm, finding life a challenge, or when others mistreat you. When we are hit with these things it’s bound to give us a knock and really lower our self-esteem.  Something may happen like being insulted, a family conflict, or work stresses for example, and you may find an emotional cloud comes over you and you start to feel quite down.  You might also become very judgmental of yourself, speaking negatively in your thoughts, and taking unwarranted blame.

However there is good news - You do have a right to feel good about yourself!

- Changing negative thoughts -

You may be feeding yourself negative and unconstructive thoughts that are only serving to bring you down, and won’t help matters at all.  These are often prompted by circumstances or social influences, and you may have repeated these negative messages over and over to yourself, particularly if you’re not feeling well or having a hard time, maybe even having come to believe them.   These negative thoughts or messages make you feel bad about yourself and lower your self-esteem.

Some negative things that people tend to repeat over to themselves include: “I am an idiot”, “I can’t do anything right”, “no-one likes me”, “I’m terrible at this”, and it doesn’t matter if it’s untrue as most people will believe these messages no matter how untrue they are.  They end up convincing themselves and the comment is off the tongue before they realise it.  They are speaking that negativity over their lives and whatever situation they are in.

Take a small note pad with you as you go about your daily business for a few days and if you have any negative thoughts about yourself, write them down as soon as you are able.   As you become aware of your negative thoughts, you may notice more of them, especially if you are unwell, stressed out, or tired after a busy day.

Have a look at the negative thoughts in your note pad and seriously question each one to check whether or not they are true; and most of them won’t be.  It may help to involve a close friend or mentor who likes you and whom you trust to help you with this.  Ask them if you should believe this thought about yourself.  When you are feeling more positive and clear headed, ask yourself the following questions about each negative thought you have written down -

• Is this comment really true?
• Would I say this to another person?  If not, why am I saying it to myself?
• How would I feel if another person said it directly to me?  Would I speak up and be defensive?
• Would I just take it off them, and accept what they had to say about me?
• What do I get out of thinking this thought?  Does it benefit me?  Does if lift me up?
• If it makes me feel badly about myself, it's not doing me any good! Why not stop thinking it??

We need to counteract the negative ones with positive and more constructive statements.  You will learn to recognise the signs of negativity creeping in and hit back with a quick-fire shot of good old-fashioned truth.  What most people don’t realise it that there is power in the spoken word.  When a teacher speaks to a pupil or student, they speak with authority, as a higher power and influence in that person’s life, to help them learn and grow.  When a parent speaks to their child, they are speaking with authority from experience, parental rules, and love into that child’s life, to hopefully nurture and develop them.  When a boss at work asks us to do something, they are speaking with authority associated with their position, and as a guide on our present career path.  When someone speaks to genuinely complement us and give us praise, it’s like an authority of recognition that boosts us and lifts us up, that someone has taken time to show appreciation.  They’re telling us to feel ‘good’ because we deserve it.

There are statements of authority that can be less than complementary too of course, and are intended to criticize and bring us down a notch, having a negative affect on our balanced state of mind.  Let’s consider someone being spiteful towards us - It’s not nice, it’s overly critical, it could even be complete lies; and it’s aimed at hurting us.  The way it’s spoken to us tells us (with an authority) that we’re no good.  It unbalances us and tugs at the old emotions.  If we listen to what they have to say and take it onboard, we are letting that spoken authority take root in our lives.

The same can be said of when we are self-critical with negative comments, and I’m sure most of us will have used these at some point –

“No-one likes me…”
“I’m a terrible parent…”
“I am ugly…”
“I am fat and useless…”
“No-one wants or loves me…”
“I don’t do anything right…”
“I’ll never be able to… (lose weight, get a promotion, get a degree, start a business)...”
“I’ll never be successful…”

Negativity like this can take a real grip on our lives and our state of mind as well, and the scary thing is that when you say these comments to yourself, you are actually speaking these things with your own authority over your life!!  You’re telling yourself how you should be!  What a horrible thought.  You wouldn’t want someone else telling you these things and speaking them into your life, but we can be our own worst enemies at times.

** It’s time to break that negativity and start questioning what is being spoken over your life! **

You have the power and authority to accept or reject statements about you.  Consider each statement in turn from your notebook, and speak out loud with authority and conviction, rejecting those negative statements that you previously put onto yourself.

Here’s an example -

“I reject the thought that ‘no-one likes me’…”
“I reject the thought that ‘I’ll never be able to lose weight’…”
“I reject the thought that ‘no-one wants or loves me’…”

It’s important that as we reject the negative, we also develop the positive statements to replace the negative thoughts whenever we find ourselves thinking them.  Let’s look at turning negative statements into positive, empowering affirmations.

In developing these positive thoughts, use good words like happy, peaceful, love, enthusiastic, confident. Avoid using negative words such as worried, frightened, upset, tired, bored, not, never, can't; even if you intend it to be positive, don't make a statement like “I am not going to worry any more.”  It’s like using a double-negative, and subconsciously our brains seem to ignore the intention to avoid worrying, and actually prompts more worry.  Use obviously positive statements that clearly show constructive intent, such as

“I am confident things will work out”, “I am a success”, “I am happy”, “I have a good job”, or whatever feels right in your circumstances, as if the condition already exists.  Don’t just suppose it could be true, ‘pre-suppose’ it is true by acting it and living it, and when you use empowering statements about yourself, use I, me, or your own name.

One way you can help yourself with these statements is by folding a piece of paper in half the long way (A4 size is ideal for this) to make two columns.  In one column write your negative thought and in the other column write an alternative positive thought that cancels out the negative thought, and lets you speak powerful statements over your life.

You can work on changing your negative thoughts to positive ones by:

• Replacing the negative thought with the positive one every time you realize you are thinking the negative thought.
• Repeat your positive thought out loud again and again with authority and conviction, looking at yourself in the mirror.  Consider sharing them with another person you trust and are close with if possible.
• Get them to make the same statement to you as well, to give you assurance and speak that authority over you.
• Write down the statements you want affirmed over your life as often as you can, like a written contract to assure you of your positive intent.  Fill a whole page if you have to until you feel much better and start to accept and believe.
• You can also make encouraging and motivational notes that say the positive thoughts, and then hang them in places where you would see them often.  Good places could be on your bedroom door handle, on the bathroom mirror, or on your coffee jar and milk carton, and repeat the thought to yourself several times when you see it.

Changing the negative thoughts you have about yourself to positive ones can take time and persistence.  If you use these techniques consistently over four weeks or so, you will notice that certain thought you would have had don’t appear as much.  If they come back at a later time, you can repeat the above steps until you’re back in control again.  Don't give up.  You deserve to be happy and think good thoughts about yourself.

“Learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness”. - Ayn Rand

“You can’t build joy on a feeling of self-loathing”. - Ram Dass

“I forgive myself for having believed for so long that...
I was never good enough to have, get, be what I wanted”. - Ceanne DeRohan